Quotes

 Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,

and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

  
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech..
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

 
I have never hated a man enough to give back his diamonds.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine

 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness ..

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath


I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C.. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress
- Will Rogers

 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere
- Billy Crystal



And the cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good spit it out.